


Despair is not the end

by yoknome



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Chuck Shurley (mentioned) - Freeform, Episode: s15e18 Despair - Castiel's Confession Scene, Episode: s15e19 Inherit the Earth - Jack's Goodbye Scene, M/M, POV Dean Winchester, Spoilers for Episode: s15e18 Despair, Spoilers for Episode: s15e19 Inherit the Earth
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:41:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27710840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yoknome/pseuds/yoknome
Summary: Castiel helps Dean to flee from Billie. They barricade themselves in a room in the bunker, where Dean loses all hope.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 10
Kudos: 9





	1. Despair

**Author's Note:**

> Hey y'all,
> 
> the last 3 episodes of Supernatural left me with a buch of emotions and hence I wasn't able to get over them for quite some time, I started to dive deeper into the scenes that woke opposing feelings in me during the first time I watched them. I wanted to stick with everything that is canon as best as I could and added my own interpretation / explanation so it would make sense to me. 
> 
> Hope you'll enjoy <3

"It was Chuck all along." Dean was falling apart, hands holding onto the backrest of a chair. Despair. Desperation had completely taken over his mind. "We never should have left Sam and Jack. We should be there with them now." Dean exhaled sharply. The thumping on the Door continued. "Everybody is gonna die, Cass. Everybody. - I can't stop it.", he said. It was this moment, where he lost all hope. The blood seal Castiel drew to keep Billie from entering the Room lit up whenever Death knocked on the door. Dean let go of the chair, went around the table and walked slowly up to Castiel. The Angel looked as beaten up as he felt. "She's gonna get through that door.", he stated the obvious. The hope, they could keep her out long enough for the fatal wound to finish her of, was gone.

"I know." Two small words. Castiel followed him into the room with the devil trap on the floor. He saw the change in Dean. The man who always refused to give up, sounded defeated.

"Then she is gonna kill you - and then she is gonna kill me." His gaze dropped to the floor. "I'm sorry." He couldn't stop it. He would be the reason for Castiels death. And he wouldn't be able to save Sam and Jack either. He would ask why he had gotten saved from Hell in the first place, but he knew the answer. It was Chuck all along. And Dean didn't even understand why Chuck was so obsessed with him.

"But there is... There's one thing she's afraid of. There is one thing, strong enough to stop her." Castiel needed a few approaches before he could say it. His Angel brain worked at full capacity to find a way to fulfill his deal with the Empty and find the right words to make Dean understand.

Dean swallowed audibly. A sliver of hope made him straighten his shoulders while listening to the plan that seemed to form in Cass' mind. But that Hope was a double-edged sword.

"When Jack was dying... I - I made a deal", Cass managed to look up to Dean, "to save him."

"You what?", Dean asked immediately. The confusion visible in the vertical creases between his eyebrows. Though it wasn't pure confusion. It was also anger, because, yet again, someone he called family had made a stupid deal! Those never ended well, shouldn't they all know that by now?

"The... The price was my life, when I experienced a moment of true happiness, the Empty would be summoned and it would take me forever." Castiel wanted to pick the right words, so Dean could understand him.

Dean couldn't look at Cass. He needed time to process this. He shook his head in slow motion and his eyes wandered down the wall behind his best friend, looking for something he could focus on, something he could hold on to and think. But the small cracks in the gray wall blurred into one color, so he looked back at Cass. Slowly realizing that Castiel wanted to summon the Empty. Now. 'NO!' He refused to follow this line of thinking. Even if, how could Castiel summon the Empty? How could he experience true happiness while Death was knocking on the Door and about to kill them? The seal was weakening with every thump. Eyes wide open. Afraid to blink because he felt tears collecting in his eyes. "Why are you telling me this now?", he asked with an angry undertone in his voice. Covering up the fact he was fucking scared. Though he could not hide his chest raising more and more with every time he inhaled. Another thump made the fading seal glow up.

"I always wondered - ever since I took that burden, that curse - I wondered - what it could be. What my true happiness could even look like."

Dean stared at Castiel in disbelieve. Breathing heavy, but through his mouth, trying to conceal his own reaction.

"I never found an answer. Because the one thing I want - it's something I know I can't have." Castiel never thought he would ever admit this. When he had pictured the future, he had always seen Dean growing old. Sometimes as a hunter. Sometimes, although unlikely, settling down with a woman. That was his preferred future. He would have watched over Dean and his family, and he would have continued to watch over every generation of Winchesters.

While Cass was trying to find the right words, Dean was anxious to learn what Cass' thought he could never have. He was churned up, because on one hand there was the slightest hope Castiel found a way to save them, on the other was the fear, that it would end like always: Bad for them. That he would die, or worse, lose Castiel once more. He wanted to know and at the same time he dreaded the possibility Cass would fulfill the deal and be taken from him.

"But I think I know - I think I know now, happiness isn't in the having. It's in just being.", Cass continued. His voice softer than ever before.

'How the fuck is he smiling right now?'

"It's in just saying it."

"What are you talking about, man?" Deans voice almost refused to utter these words. Why? Why was it so hard to form thoughts?

"I know. I know how you see yourself Dean." Castiel knew Dean, and he would try to let him know. Would try so Dean could understand and hopefully move on. "You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You're destructive and you're angry and you're broken. Your daddy's blunt instrument. And you think that hate and anger, that's, that's what drives you. That's who you are."

'Yes. Yes that's me. Cut to the chase, what does that have to do with your happiness, you son of a bitch?'

"It's not"

'...what?'

"And everyone who knows you, sees it."

'That's... not true... I have anger issues. The only thing keeping me together is hunting and killing monsters...'

"Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done - for love!"

'No... I am just fucked up... broken...'

"You raised your little brother - for love. You fought for this whole world - for love. That is who you are!"

Death knocked and Deans mind went blank for a second. He heard what Castiel was saying. Even heard the truth in his words. But he couldn't believe it. He could not throw out the years of self-loathing, just because Castiel...

"You are the most caring man on earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know." Castiel would give everything for a little more time. More time to explain, because even with his watery eyes he could see that Dean was still doubting himself. If only he could see himself through the eyes of his angel. Another thump and Cass started to talk faster, he had to get it out: "You know ever since we met. Ever since I pulled you out of hell..." The tears weren't staying in his eyes any longer. They ran down his cheeks, leaving wet trails. "Knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack, but I cared about the whole world, because of you!"

Dean couldn't grasp what was happening here. He didn't even hear Deaths constant knocking on the door anymore. He was still trying to figure out why Castiel would tell him all this stuff, while not being able to accept any of it.

Cass gasped, unable to hold back the sobbing. "You changed me, Dean."

"Why does this sound like a goodbye?", Dean asked. He knew the answer already. It was a stupid question. But that was how he coped. He didn't want to accept what he already knew. He felt numb from this carousel of emotions. He had seen Castiel bleed, explode and die, but... seeing him cry like this... it hit differently. His throat wanted to close up, made it harder to breath. He had to really concentrate to keep breathing.

"Because it is."

'No...'

"I love you."

"Don't do this Cass.", he pleaded. Dean couldn't, he just couldn't deal with this right now. He couldn't accept what he already knew. Castiel was about to sacrifice himself for him. Dean wished for time to slow down. If they only had a little longer, maybe he could think of something after all... something that did not involve Cass summoning the Empty...

But there was no time. A bubbling, fizzing sound made Dean turn his head to see black goo reaching out from the wall. As he turned back the Door flung open, and they were trapped between the two most powerful entities beside Chuck.

"Cass..." He couldn't say more.

"Goodbye Dean." Castiel gripped Deans shoulder to get him out of harms way. All this wouldn't mean anything, if Dean would get in the way of the Empty. The only thing that was really important to Castiel, was giving Dean another chance to keep on living. And right now, with his sacrifice, he assured exactly that. Knowing that made him smile at Dean one last time, before the Empty swallowed him whole.

Dean wanted to scream. At Cass. At the Empty. But it felt like someone was crushing his throat together and only faint noises left his mouth.

Silence.

In his head. In this room. And - unknown to Dean - the whole world.

He did not deserve this. To be saved, again only because some... Castiel sacrificed himself for him. Dean's head was throbbing with pain. So was his chest. He could not bare it anymore. It felt like he had already lost everything multiple time. How was he supposed to ever get up again?

His cell began to vibrate. He looked at the name, but he could not bring himself to accept the call. There was no way he would take the little hope Sammy may still have away. He was in a dark, dark place with his thoughts. Painfully aware, that it was all his fault. None of this would have happened, if he had just said yes to Michael. Adam would not have been in the cage for ten fucking years! And now he was just sitting here and sobbing. Sobbing, not only because that stupid angel had sacrificed himself, but also because all those things Castiel had said floated around in Deans head.

'It's not'

'The most selfless, loving human being'

'I love you'


	2. Inherit the Earth

Somehow Dean had managed to get up, get his ass in the impala and joined Sammy and Jack. Everyone was gone. They had tried to surrender themselves to Chuck, but the son of a bitch didn't take their offer to finally kill each other. For the first time, fighting wasn't an option. Chuck was too powerful and there were no other monsters left to kill.

Back in the bunker, Dean raided their whiskey supply. He felt too much and did not know how to deal with it, so he tried to drown his sorrow in cheap scotch. Sammy and Jack couldn't chase away the feeling of loneliness in Dean. Being near Jack actually made it worse for Dean. It wasn't the kids fault. Dean had forgiven him for what happened with his mother, but knowing Castiel made this deal to save Jack? It took a toll on him. Though the real reason was that he, for the first time in his life, had too much time to think. Castiels words still spun around his head. He remembered how he discovered Castiels hand prints on his shoulders all those years ago. This time the mark Cass had left was only a bloody hand print on his jacket. Cass thought he was worth to be saved, but Dean did not feel like he deserved it. Cass had seen that when they first met. The angel had looked so confused back then. More alcohol too numb his emotions and stop his brain from torturing him with more memories that made him feel sick to his stomach.

It was almost a blessing when he finally blacked out.

\-------------------

They made it. Jack stripped Chuck of his power and then left the miserable writer at the lake. Dean was a bit surprised of himself, but as soon as Jack had absorbed Chucks power, the ever gnawing rage inside him began to fade. Not into nothing - looking at Chuck still pissed him off - but there hadn't been an all-consuming anger anymore. They left the miserable writer at the lake to live out his life as a mere human.

As Dean had learned that not the Empty brought back Lucifer, but Chuck. His hope had grown that Jack would be able to do the same. Maybe, maybe there was still a way to get Castiel back from the empty. Maybe everything could go back to normal. For that, the first thing Jack did after they arrived back in town was to get everything living back Chuck had had snapped away.

"Way to go. I mean it. Way to go." Dean chuckles. He was happy. They would all go back to the bunker together. Jack surely would bring Cass back as well, because that angel was a father to him. Everything would be awesome. And Chuck wouldn’t screw with his emotions anymore.

"So... does this mean you're the new... I mean, what do we call you?" Sam wasn’t quite in the celebrating mood Dean seemed to be in.

"Who cares what we call him? Look, all that matters is he got us back online!", Dean praised.

"Hey, what happened to Amara when Chuck...", Sam wanted to ask, but did not need to finish the question for Jack to answer.

"She is with me. We're in - harmony." Jack had a blissful smile on his face. The powers of the creator of multiple universes didn't came with universal knowledge, but Amara's presence had a calming and reassuring effect on the young Nephilim. She was okay with staying in the background, would help him whenever he needed it, but also reassured him that she would give him a slap on the wrist whenever she thought he’d make a mistake like his brother did.

"You gonna - come back with us to the bunker?" Sam asked, hesitant to get in a cheerful mood because he sensed the change in Jack.

"What do you mean? Of course he's gonna come back to the bunker. He's the man with a plan. He's top dog." Dean wasn't stupid, he got that something changed, but he did not want it to. He did not allow himself to reach that conclusion. Jack would come with them. With his new powers, he would save Castiel. Hell they could even go and look for Adam and try to build a real connection with him, if Jack had brought him back like everyone else who was on earth as Chuck pulled his snap attack. "He can do Whatever he wants now. Come on. You know what? We'll spruce the place up. We'll get some recliners. We'll get you one of those big-screen TVs.", Dean went on and at the same time walked a few steps away to incite them to follow him.

"Dean, I'm not coming back home. In a way... I'm already there." Jack had made up his mind and this decision was final.

"Where?", Dean asked, still refusing to realize what Sammy already expected.

"Everywhere.", Jack said as if it was the most obvious.

"So you are - him.", Sam stated.

Dean turned around and walked back to them. Torn back and forth. Dean didn't want to understand. Jack was about to bail on them. After all that they went through. Was there some rule that one had to become a jerk when having these god powers? He had fucking questions!

"I'm me." Jack shrugged, because it did not feel right to him to call himself God, "But I know what you mean."

"What if we want to see you? You know, or have a beer or whatever?" Sam had a feeling what the answer would be and that Dean wasn't gonna like it.

"I'm around.”, Jack answered and tried to explain as best as he could, "I'll be in every drop of falling rain, every speck of dust the wind blows, and the sand, in the rocks, and the sea."

"It's a hell of a time to bail. You got a lot of people counting on you, people with questions. They're gonna need answers." 'I need answers dammit!', Dean internally begged Jack.

"And those answers will be in each of them.", he answered resolute and without hesitation. None of the brothers expected that from Jack and they quietly let him continue speaking. "Maybe not today, but... someday. - People don't need to pray to me or sacrifice to me. They just need to know that I'm already a part of them and to trust in that."

Dean nodded. And only noticed it after the movement already happened. Something in that sentence eased the pain that was still gnawing in his chest. It felt like a promise. To Dean it seemed, as if Jack knew the questions in his head.

"I won't be hands on. - Chuck put himself in the story. That was his mistake. But I learned from you and my mother and Castiel that... when people have to be their best... they can be." Jack sounded melancholic. He loved them and would have loved to stay with them like he had been in his short lifespan, but he knew better and Amara agreed with his decision to take a step back. The only thing he did was to pull of all the labels Chuck had put on the Winchesters so they would fulfil his story. Sam was still Sam and Dean was still Dean, but without all the overdramatizations Chuck had added to his favorite playthings. Until now they had never been allowed to live through their grief and deal with it in a more healthy manner. Chuck had done everything to keep his favorites and shoo them in the direction he deemed right. Though Jack didn't want them to know, how deeply the former God had screwed with their thoughts and feelings and thus made the transition to remove Chucks interferences as smooth as possible and as slow as they needed to be. Amara wasn't fully on board with that, but she didn't intervene. After all, she wasn't unbiased when it came to Dean.

Dean looked away. Licking his lips absent-mindedly. Sadness tightened up his throat. He wanted to ask about Cass, but couldn't.

"And that's what to believe in.", Jack concluded.

Dean inhaled deeply. Believing was never his strong suit. That was Sammy's thing. But, after all they went through these past years, he trusted Jack. Maybe something good would, for once, just happen? Without them having to fight for it? There was still a good amount of doubt weighing him down, but in this moment he lacked the energy to demand more and so he choose to deepen that already existing trust for Jack and tried to believe. And that felt - not too bad.

"Well... I'm really as close as this.", Jack put his right hand on his heart and then lifts it in front of his shoulder like he always did. "Goodbye." One last time he smiles at the brothers who mean so much to him, who had their part in making him who he became, before he turned around, walked away and vanished.

Dean couldn't say goodbye. He wanted to. His mouth opened and closed without making a sound. Sammy would have heard that something was... not wrong, but… that something was up with him. And right now he did not want to talk about it with his little brother, who seemed okay with what just happened.

"See ya Jack.", Sam whispered with a slight smile.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I wrote a fanfiction and maybe I am doing something wrong. I don't know what all the tags mean (What is the difference between 'Dean' and 'Endverse Dean'?) and English isn't my native language. If you see any mistakes, please don't be shy and point them out to me, otherwise I won't improve. :) 
> 
> If you like this fic, please show it through kudos or comments, I'll continue this for at least two more chapters (containing stuff from 15x19 and 15x20) and maybe I'll go further than that. 
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading and have a wonderful day,  
> yoknome


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